Hi everyone!
I just finished a new painting that I'm proud of, I'm calling it "Love Comet"
I posted some of my process on Instagram, but the proportions cut down some of the image, so here it is in full!
I've been reading this book lately, (<--click to see it) and it is honestly really messing with me. It inspired me to make this painting though, and I like that.
I've put lots of miles on my brain thinking about free will (thanks, Christianity). One idea from the book knocked me back: apparently there is evidence that what we call a "decision" is actually retrospective, not proactive. Our brain tells us we made a choice after the synapses that drove the action already fired. So "choice" actually looks more like catching up to our brain that driving the damn thing.
Gross!! I hate it! I like being in control, and the idea that my brain is actually just keeping me updated on whatever it was going to do anyways really ticks me off.
But, there's something I like in there too: what if I'm allowed to ride the wave of millions of years of deterministic fortune that brought me here?
I spend a lot of time afraid that I'm going to drop the life I've built and it will explode like a vase. Like the love in my life, the skills I've developed, and the person I am could all be lost in single bad decision or clumsy moment.
But actually, considering that I may be more of a passenger princess than a driver gives me some ease. In a weird way, it makes me feel less alone?
I don't think I'm ready to embrace determinism outright; I'm too invested in my choices. But the idea that it's not always up to me, and that good things are just as inevitable as the bad things I'm constantly bracing for... that idea has taken root lately. I think it's an upgrade.
I don't know, I haven't even finished the book. I'm just thinking and drawing.
Thanks for reading.
More soon,
Janie